Mandan News

Wearing our tin hats

Layout 1 (Page 1)I haven’t seen a lot of tin foil hats around town, but we got to chatting about all the alien stuff we’ve been watching on TV lately, and wondered if we should find a way to protect ourselves.

For those of you who may have already succumbed to alien abduction, a tin foil hat might have cured that. For you unabducted types, a tin foil hat might just shield you from threats like electromagnetic fields, mind control, mind reading, some conspiracy theories and of course undesired alien influence. (Google has more details under ‘Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie’ or AFDB)

So, the early morning Cappuccino on Collins coffee klatch had an in depth discussion about all this and Paul concluded that such an apparatus might come in handy. However, since these types of hats have a tendency to stereotype their wearers as paranoid, delusional, and filled with conspiracy theories, we needed to find a way to disguise the downside of protecting ourselves from those pesky mind readers/thought controllers.

The conversation had its moments, especially when the group decided that I might not have any thoughts worth reading. Herman’s mind was too complicated for anyone to decipher. Bob’s was too cluttered with crossword puzzles and Paul seemed to think that he already lost his somewhere while Greg, Larry, and Robert just sat there wondering if they weren’t losing theirs. Of course, Jim, Wally, and Tara just shook their heads.

This is what happens when the espresso begins to kick in. Evidently caffeine has a tendency to stimulate both the mind and the tongue. Caffeinated concoctions then collapse/override the filters that normally allow one to think about what thoughts to share. The ensuing chaotic scenario of thoughts being dumped on the table without thinking about what you’re saying can be quite confusing to the untrained coffee klatcher. However those of us who have spent years in these caffeinated circles have learned the art of selective listening. By the way, don’t try this at home it, can lead to domestic difficulties.

During this self-inflicted process, each of us somehow connected snippets of the myriad of thoughts swirling around the table, to help us sort through the chaff, and come to inconclusive conclusions that we toss into the mix to see if anyone else is on the same track … and that’s how we solve big issues like the aforementioned alien abduction, mind control, electromagnetic fields, and conspiracy theories.

Of course we can’t recall the other 453,336.58 problems we’ve solved so far; therefore, I thought it would be a good idea to jot this one down; just in case it might actually be a viable cure …besides Paul went to great lengths and actually built a ‘brain drain feeler’ hat.

Paul presented the hat shortly after our paranoid thought dump, and it fit Bob real well, so when I showed up, he was wearing it along with one of the more contented looks I’ve ever seen on him. Once I got over the shock and awe of it all, we discussed what to do with it, and decided that the greatest risk of abduction, mind control, and paranoia usually occurs when we get together … so we left it at Cappuccino on Collins.

Thus far the hat has worked well and we’re willing to share it with folks who may be experiencing any of the aforementioned disorders, as long as they don’t abscond with the hat. So if you’re having abduction issues, suffering from paranoid conspiracy pressures, or just need your brain drained, stop by Cappuccino on Collins and test out Paul’s hat.

As a bonus, Paul says if the hat works for ya he’ll be glad to gin up another for a pound of bacon and a latte laced with honey. Here’s hoping that you can always recover from whatever you get yourself into …